Top 5 Books on Male Friendship

I believe books on friendship are necessary and that friendship is a skill that requires time, attention, and practice.

Recently, a friend shared about his desire to make friends and to his embarrassment, had asked a librarian for books on friendship. He felt some shame because it seemed to him that friendship skills should come naturally. My friend explained his predicament but I was distracted because friendship, particularly among men, is a topic of vital concern for me.

Who said friendship should come naturally? After all, I've observed most men don't know how to be friends. I rarely witness men, especially those of a certain life stage, work hard to keep in touch and initiate with other men. It's trendy to do HIIT workouts and eat paleo but not as much to invest in male friendships. Part of the reason is our culture poses great challenges to male friendship, especially among partnered middle-aged men with children. It is so easy to fall into the trap of using busyness, marriage, and kids' activities as excuses for not investing in male relationships. Men are also frequently stereotyped as emotionally stunted, mindlessly competitive, and unable to form deep and lasting friendships. Apparently, we can only bond through playing sports, watching sports or violence, or talking about sports and violence. Therefore, I believe books on friendship are necessary and that friendship is a skill that requires time, attention, and practice. Here are my five favorite books about male friendship.

1. How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie is the seminal text on learning how to be a friend. This is a great starting point for any person, no matter how old or experienced you are in friendship. I read it about ten years ago and it was profoundly impactful because  the book explained WHY basic principles could be so powerful. The section on criticism (don't do it!) has stayed with me even though I fail at it all the time. I've made peace that it will always be a struggle for me to do and in the spirit of the book, I always applaud myself when I can give someone an encouragement. This book, as acknowledged by many, can be easily abused by a sociopath. Given that, it is an extremely helpful primer on how to exhibit humility by focusing on and enjoying other people.

2. Spiritual Friendship by Wesley Hill is a meditation on the meaning of true Christian friendship. Hill is exquisitely vulnerable in this autobiographical book about his journey of friendship as a celibate gay Christian man. It is so moving and one of the reasons I decided to prioritize male friendship in my life. This book helped me decided that I would initiate with my guy friends even if they didn't reciprocate as often as I hoped. It also helped me to recognize the vulnerability of initiative and thus, more frequently accept others' invitations, knowing that initiative is rare and opens a guy up for rejection.

3. No More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert Glover has helped thousands of men grow in assertiveness and self-advocacy. It was written to help overly agreeable men. Typically, a man thoughtful enough to read books about friendship is going to be agreeable and conscientious to the extent that he could get taken advantage of. This book is the antidote to that. Alternatively, you could listen to Jordan Peterson lectures. Glover's book is essentially Boundaries for men. The key to male friendship is selective disagreeableness. It's important to know WHEN to be a jerk - that is, when to prioritize your own interests above others' (or the need of the moment).

4. The Courage to be Disliked by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga is a life-changing book. It turned me on to Adlerian psychology, which is concerned about teleology rather than etiology. Teleology is about goals and purpose. Etiology is about the past and causes. Etiology says I'm an anxious person because I inherited my mom's anxious temperament. Teleology says my anxiety serves a goal and therefore, I derive a benefit from it. Through a Socratic dialogue between a young man and his teacher, the book teaches the reader that the nature of life is about relationships and thus, how to identify his/her tasks in building peer relationships. This book also changed the way I view encouragement - it's Dale Carnegie 2.0.

5. Lonesome Dove by Larry McMurtry is one of the best novels I've ever read. It's a Western and incredible story about the friendship between two men, Call and Gus. The book explores themes of unacknowledged paternity, regret, aging, fear, man's quest for meaning and exploration, and romance. All of these revolve around the central theme of friendship. It's a very long book but once it gets going, an incredibly enjoyable read that is difficult to put down.